Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

I’m oddly happy with the state of the news just now what with Mandelson coming out and scuppering the irrelevance that is the Labour leadership fiasco and that tragic Moat bloke finally doing our idiot police a favour and putting himself out of their heavily-armed misery, and the awesome Booker planting another hobnailed boot in the sweaty groin of climate change fanaticism.

The great Gove’s rearguard after his crew’s cockups and his brave resurrection of political accountability seems to be working reasonably well too. Excellent.

In other words, there’s nothing much around that’s annoying enough to talk about, so I think this a downtime moment – a time for some nice music, perhaps.

How about this: “Dream Away” by my hero, George Harrison?

I suppose we’re all “Time Bandits” really, one way or another. We all dream of reliving our past so we can correct it in whatever way from a position of knowledgable strength. That’s the ammunition known as hindsight. Sadly, of course, it’s an impotent trick of memory.

Be content you own the human gift that is regret. It keeps us little people honest – and (oddly) free 🙂


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Putin honouring ex-Soviet spy George Koval, 2007

I love John LeCarre and his greatest creation, George Smiley, so it’s super to know that whoever the real Karla is, whatever the real Moscow Centre actually is and however many times the KGB has changed its name, some things will never alter. The Russians’ eternal paranoia being one of them. From the story:

They were alleged to have met US government officials given codenames such as “Farmer”, “Parrot” and “Cat” as well as engaging such tried and tested espionage methods as dead drops and brush passes.

And so it goes on. Whoever thinks LeCarre was writing fiction can think again, as, indeed, the newspaper points out itself. Con Coughlin has also written a good little comment piece on the real spy ring bust but, much more importantly, Radio 4 has just finished the last instalment of an excellent, year-long re-working of the complete Smiley collection with the superb Simon Russell Beale as the planet-brained superspy. Sometimes they still get it right. Well, rarely.

Still, I think I might buy this one. I’ve come over all nostalgic

Besides, in this case truth and fiction are the same thing anyway, but with one, small exception: Smiley is serious but the truth is bloody hilarious.

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NORTH Koreans were celebrating last night after their team’s long-predicted 8-0 thrashing of decadent capitalist Brazil.


Glorious leader win 1966 Word Cup after beating Harold Wilson 195-0

Footage of Korea’s nine-foot tall players scoring goal after goal past a weeping and unusually Oriental-looking Brazilian side was beamed across the country to over 35 million people, 11 million more than its actual population.

The first three goals saw their goalkeeper earn the 47th hat-trick of his career, with the last being a remarkable bicycle kick from the halfway line.

Each goal was celebrated by the players running to the corner flag and delivering an impassioned five-minute lecture on the nation’s rising factory productivity to a rapt crowd of 52,000 Korean fans.

Tom Logan, World Cup analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “North Korea’s footage differs significantly from the rest of the world, inasmuch as Ellis Park appeared to be a dilapidated velodrome on an industrial estate and Korea’s fourth and seventh goal was exactly the same footage.”

But Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il said: “Our glorious players showed what discipline, moral fortitude and being repeatedly beaten can achieve. I personally coached the team myself, shortly after writing my 375th novel Super Kim Slays Moth-Ra & Has Sexy Fun With Madonna, and fighting a bear with a claw hammer.”

A North Korean government spokesman added: “Some may think they remember a goalkeeper called Ri Myong-Guk. They are mistaken. If anybody meets somebody claiming to be a member of his family, they are actually Western demons and should be shot on sight.”

North Korean fan Jong-Se Park said: “Much appreciation and fraternal joy to the mighty footballers of our land! I do so hope my family can please be released unharmed so they can witness the ultimate triumph in the final!”

As reported by the Daily Mash!

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While I was messing around with the word ‘hypnosis’ on YouTube, I stumbled on this gem.

I certainly like to listen to the sound of her woyce and I really dig the deep, hype-notic sleep that her beautiful, green-eyed woyce generates with a little of what amounts to your basic counting, as far as I can tell.

Good/bad, this puppy would definitely sleep with Lisa. (That is what she said, right?)

Whatever. But you know what? I reckon this is a Tory party political aimed at indolent male dole spongers. Brilliant! This will be one of the most effective deficit reduction strategies of all time. A government-subsidised young Russian(?) dominatrix’s sex promise in exchange for significant efforts finally to find a job and stick with it.

It’s definitely novel and it could be a winner. So well done, George Osborne! (As long as that’s not your sister. That would be weird.)

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Dizzy has found a remarkable website charting the spread of the Gulf of Mexico BP oil spill. It’s a hefty leak, and what you can do with this tool is superimpose its vast expanse on wherever you like in the world to see just how huge it is. I suppose there is some valid environmental message in such an exercise somewhere. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, beyond ‘Cor, that really brings it home to you’, or maybe, ‘Cor, isn’t the ocean big!’.
There is another use, however, of this program, as Dizzy demonstrates. You can bury your least favourite bits of your own country under thirty million barrels of oil slick. Neat. Dizzy chose Scotland. I sort of approved at first, but in the end it wasn’t target-rich enough for me, so I opted for an alternative ground zero of Huddersfield so that I could take out the entire expanse of the two giant northern English conurbations and Labour heartlands.
Unfortunately, I had to take out York, Harrogate, the Peaks and the Dales in order to get Tyneside. Oh, and half the Irish Sea, all of North Wales – and Shrewsbury. Well, sacrifices had to be made to get them all under the one spill – without threatening the Home Counties. Besides, who’s really going to miss Mold? And I did save the Lake District…sort of. You just can’t get to it any more.

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This is the global lending merry go-round as explained for the general public by two leading Australian economists, wisely employing a variation of the Socratic method.

There is an answer to all this, you know, and it’s called ‘cuts’. I wonder if young Danny Alexander is up to the challenge. Ha! Fat chance.

Remember John Redwood? We might have had a chance with him.

Hat tip: Tangled Web

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I was informed by a reliable source today (my dad) that the BBC’s new plans for recruiting weather presenters could well be in breach of every employment and equality law ever made. He told me that he heard from a friend he bumped into while he was getting his newspapers this morning that the BBC is planning to employ only Muslims from now on to present the weather – and no one else. When he asked the bloke what prompted this hairbrained decision, he was told:

“Because sometimes the weather is Sunni, but more often than not it’s Shiite.”

Naturally, I was outraged. Jokes really don’t come much worse than that.

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